Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Anxiety and Me

Anxiety and Me

This is not going to be my normal type of blog post (I hope you don't mind),but I have always felt that I wanted my blog to not just be about beauty, and shopping but about me and a sort of day to day little diary so that you can get to know the real me.

Anxiety can be a real tricky area, some people accept that someone who suffers from anxiety, has a real problem with certain things, whereas others just sort of brush it under the carpet and in the sort of words to "man up", and get on with it. No two people with any illness have the same symptoms and so if you suffer with anxiety you might feel totally different to me and react to certain things differently.

I have suffered with anxiety and my nerves all through out my life. I always suffered with the "shakes", ever since I was tiny, and I used to get teased all the time at school. Was always being called "Shakin Stevens" or the children would copy my hands shaking and laugh. I was in the school orchestra, but always asked if they could sit me behind the piano, so no one could call me names and laugh. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I still am to be fair.

When customers ask me about it I just say "oh take no notice" but it embarrasses me. I think of how ridiculous I look when I'm encountering a new situation and Im shaking like a leaf. But I cant help it, its just me, I cant change it, so just have to take it on the chin and accept it. The shaking is the physical side of things but the mental side of things is much much worse.

I am not good when it comes to change. I like my routine of doing things and if things are sprung on me I go to pieces. I try to stay calm but in my head my mind is screaming " WHAT IF????". Ordinary people when things go wrong can more or less take it on the chin and deal with it. But I can't. I have such a strong panic within that I feel like I just want to shut myself down, and push everybody away so that I cant drag them down or hurt them.

For example, my washing machine broke today and I was heartbroken. All I could think of was "What Am I going to do?" I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't breathe properly, I felt like I just wanted to run out of the house and get away. I know, I can hear people laughing and say how ridiculous but I just couldn't deal with it. It wasn't till my dad came round and talked to me for a good 30 minutes that I could try to listen and relax.

Even if I was going out on an evening out, I panic about how I'm going to get back, so in my head I have to have at least 2 options to get home if something happens. And if the anxiety is too great then I always end up cancelling wherever I planned to go. My ex always moaned at me for planning how we were to get back before we had even left to go, but I had to. I have to know that I can sort things, and if I cant that's when I freak out.

I am terrible in airports when we land and we have to go collect our luggage from the carousel, if our bags are not the first ones out, I'm constantly "what if the cases are lost, what am I going to do. And I know in my head I'm being silly, but I just cant control it. The constant fear of "what if" is awful. I never ever can relax and just be calm and relaxed. I feel like Im constantly going over hurdles every minute of the day.

Im never EVER late for anything. Im always at least 20 minutes early for everything, because I'm so conscious of the thought "What if Im late?" My dad has always said I will be early for my own funeral lol.
Suffering with anxiety is awful, and is hard on your loved ones too, my family have to have a lot of patience with me because I know that sometimes I can be very snappy and moody to people, when I dont really mean to be.

Im sorry if this is too rambly or a boring subject but I just wanted to explain a little more about me, me and my anxiety.

Love and hugs

Zoe xxx

5 comments:

  1. Zoe I would never change who you are cos that's why I love you for your my angel xx

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  2. This is a very brave post hun, I have anxiety too though my experience is different to you but you should never feel embarrassed about anything. Big hugs darlin, those closest to you will always love you for who you are & one day a man lucky enough to be in your life will also love you for who you are xx

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